Since that chilly day in February 2016, I’ve heard countless stories from friends and family about how shocked and surprised they are when their older parent is suddenly diagnosed with late stage cancer. “They hate going to the doctor, but I told them to go and they didn’t listen!”

Let’s be honest here – it’s not sudden. Someone doesn’t suddenly have end stage cancer. Stroke, maybe. Heart attack, sure. But cancer? Nope. Your person knew they were sick. They didn’t want to deal with it because knowing something is wrong combined with being a card-carrying member of AARP means the end is near. If you have a parent with a particularly bad stubborn streak (like my father) that makes it worse. If your family deals with hard things with denial…well, you’re f****ed.

Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Well I’m in good shape because they go for annual check-ups and report back, so we’ll stay ahead of this.” That’s cute. Let me take a guess how that conversation goes…

“Well I had my annual check up with Dr. Thomas. My cholesterol/blood pressure/other tracked metric (circle one) is high/low (circle one) so we’re going to try diet/medicine (circle one). But everything else looked good so I’m good for another year!”

I thought so. Typical. They picked something that’s a minor issue so you focus on that and don’t ask other questions. They are forthcoming so you have nothing to worry about! This is a game that will go on for years until one day you pop in on them and realize there’s blood in the sink and something has gone horribly awry.

So listen to me carefully: you’re going to have to go to the doctor with them. Yes, you’re going to have to take time off work to do it. Yes, it’s going to be a pain in the ass. Yes, they are going to protest. Yes, they are going to be pissed. Maybe even hurt. But it’s for their own good. And you’re going to need to have them fill out some paperwork where you can get access to test results because it’s not enough to just go with them, you need to get the doctor’s notes because if something is bad your parents will not tell you about it. My Dad had blood work done a week before he was diagnosed and he told me everything was fine. Guess what? It wasn’t. His white blood cell count was off the charts. The doctor was concerned and it turned out he had good reason to be concerned because my Dad had cancer.

Before you start protesting, let me remind you of something: these are your parents. They made you. They fed you. They made sure you had clothes. They probably stressed about your well-being more than you think they did. Maybe they even paid for you to go to private school or college. Even shitty parents, selfish parents, or asshole parents still made sure you had the basics. And if you believe in God? Well let’s just say taking care of your parents is sort of a big deal to Him. We could create quite a laundry list of things they did for you as their parents and it’s your turn to step up and do the heavy lifting for a while.*

SUCK IT UP.

I mean that in the nicest way.

It could be scary. It’s definitely going to be uncomfortable. You’re going to hear about body parts you don’t talk to your parents about and you may even see a body part you didn’t think you’d see in your whole life. Your parent will be embarrassed. Don’t make it weirder by making it about you. It’s not about you, it’s about them. They need you to be there and hear things objectively. You should even take notes. Bring up things to the doctor that your parent is afraid to say. Be their advocate. And if you think the doctor is a quack or is simply too fresh out of medical school, go to the front desk and ask for a follow up appointment with another doctor.

If you do this you’ll never have to say, “We were just so surprised when they lost 30 pounds and had end stage cancer with just weeks to live.”

I didn’t go with them. I didn’t go with either of them. I took them at their word. About a month before Dad was diagnosed my Mom had the start of terrible rheumatoid arthritis. She kept saying it was other stuff but when I saw her joints all puffed up I told her I was taking her to a rheumatologist. We had to go to that follow up appointment while Dad sat in the hospital that first week. Her fingers and hands were so bad she couldn’t put on socks. Even if Dad hadn’t gotten sick my Mom’s arthritis was a turning point in how I figured out what I needed to do in my role as their adult daughter. It was a role I wasn’t ready for but life didn’t give a shit I wasn’t ready.

So hear me again: just go with them. Learn from my mistakes, okay? Force yourself on them. If you live far away make it part of your annual visit with them. Just take them. I promise you will never look back and wish you hadn’t gone with them.

After Dad was diagnosed I went to every chemo appointment. I went to radiation appointments if we were meeting with the actual radiologist. I went to random appointments with specialists ordered by his oncologist. I had the oncologist’s cell phone number. I did the same for my Mom and while I don’t go to her rheumatology appointments unless she asks me to, I will be going to her GP check-ups. I’ve learned my lesson.

Just take them to the doctor.

*Note that if you have a terrible relationship with your parent, they mistreated you, or you aren’t in a place to go the extra mile for them, this isn’t for you. I’m not a doctor or psychologist and I can’t help you untangle your issues with your parents. I know people who can point you in that direction, though, so let me know if you need that.